Thursday, 1 November 2012

Saying Goodbye

Back in this post October begins I wrote about a difficult start to the month. Since that I've found it really difficult to blog because I didn't want to write about it but this blog is supposed to be about our life, its ups and downs and everything in between and really I'm finding it impossible to do that without writing about what has been happening with our family. So here goes...
My sister-in-law was pregnant with twin girls that were due in November, in September we found out that one of the girls, little L had died at 31 weeks. We were all very sad and it was a difficult thing to explain to the children but we are always as honest as possible with them. At the end of September my SIL went into labour and gave birth to both girls. I think however much we had thought about everything, nothing really prepares you for the reality of a dead baby. Thankfully our surviving niece, little E has thrived and is doing brilliantly despite the fact she shouldn't even be born yet. Having no experience of still births or anything like this, I have felt so out of my depth dealing with it, I read quite a bit about it because I needed to know and needed answers to my questions. It feels like I have seen twins everywhere since and if I find that hard I've no idea how hard it must be for my BIL and SIL. I decided to make a memory box for little L, as I didn't feel right doing nothing at all. The girls helped me pick things out, I ended up making my own box as I couldn't find anything that I liked. It feels so wrong when you should be shopping for a new baby, everything has to be thought about so much, even buying a card with the right words on it-Congratulations seems such a wrong word in this situation. I found two beautiful poems, I put one of the front of the box and another in a card inside the box. I made two little hearts and sewed the girls names on and put them in the box too. I'm not good with death, not that anyone is but it makes me very quiet, reflective and I really recoil into myself. Not easy when the rest of our life goes on as normal. Hubby still has to work, everything has to carry on. In a way that's a good thing because sat crying all day really doesn't help anyone. We aren't the closest of families but I really admire the way my brother-in-law and sister in law have dealt with everything, they have been incredibly brave and I can't imagine how hard it has been for them. The funeral was nearly two weeks ago now, nothing can really prepare you for seeing a coffin so tiny, or being stood in a graveyard that has a special area for babies that have died. It was the saddest day I can ever remember and I truly hope that I never have to do anything like that again. The children have been amazing throughout all of this sadness  I shouldn't be surprised but I'm so very proud of them. It makes me realise how important it is to me that no matter what happens when the children grow up its so important to me that they stay close. The thought of them not being close when they are older really upsets me, and I just hope that it never happens. Given that we are so close in this house and given our life choices to home educate and be very focused on the 6 of us I think its highly unlikely. I'm sad that I've written this but relieved that I have. My words aren't eloquently written and as I read back they look jumbled but its tumbled out of my head and on to the page and it doesn't feel right to try and perfect it.

8 comments:

  1. :-( I am so sorry. Still birth is such a heart braking and cruel part of our world. My cousin and wife lost there baby this way. I only saw the photos as they live in Canada. But my cousin built their daughter a tiny coffin and it was beautiful but a sight i never want to see again. I am glad you have been able to share this. I hope it brings you some peace and the more you talk about it the more you will be able to cope with it. Focus on the sweet little one and celebrate her life. I hope i haven't waffled rubbish to you and that some of it helps in some way. HUGS XX

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    1. Thank you Pip, you've not waffled at all and I greatly appreciate you taking the time to share the story about your cousin, I hope they are both ok. I really can't imagine the pain they must have been/be in. How beautiful to make the coffin himself but also so incredibly heartbreaking. Thank you for the hugs and taking time to comment xx

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  2. Nothing can prepare us for the passing of a loved soul, especially an innocent. I think that you have acknowledged the passing of your niece with such a beautiful memory that is very touching and sensitively done. It is something your whole family can look back on when they feel strong enough and the time is right.
    Love each other now, hard and fast, soft and caring. Take care of each other always. ((hugs)) xXx

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    1. Thank you Higglepea that means a lot, its always so incredibly difficult to write something like this but I felt such a relief when I did. My sister in law thought the box was lovely and we were both in tears, I'm glad that I made it. We will always keep her in our heart. Thank you xxx

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  3. Im so sorry to hear about your neice, it is just so unfair. Your memory box sounds lovely. ((((hugs))))

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    1. Thank you C, very much appreciated xx

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